On The Verge

I am one of those people that gets scared really easily. I mean really easily. A person could walk right up to me, say 'boo', and I'd jump. Spiders? Send me screaming from a room. Clowns? Terrifying. Horror movies? Forget about it.

You know else what is scary? Unemployment.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

You see my job is going to be wrapping up in a few months and suddenly I'm faced with the task of finding another job. This task has already started to stress me out. Biting my nails. Check. Face breaking out? Check. Waking up in a cold sweat? Check.

The reason the prospect of finding (or I suppose not finding) a job is so stressful is that I've been down this road. Last year I was unemployed for a total of six months.

I know some of you are thinking, 'Six months? You obviously weren't trying very hard'. And to that I say, 'I actually was trying rather hard. However I concede that when I analyze my behavior in retrospect, my energy was not always put to the best use.'

I know some others of you are thinking, 'Six months? That's nothing! You should stop complaining and toughen up!' To which I say, 'I know! I am unaccountably lucky to be working right now. Nothing makes you grateful for a job like six months of unemployment.'

As I've mentioned before, jobs in the entertainment industry are inherently temporary. Therefore, I'm going to have to get a lot better at the whole looking-for-work thing. To be honest, I feel like I have gotten better. I've learned so much from talking with experts (working editors) over the past several months, that I am much more prepared this time around. Not to mention I'm starting the search a full three months before my job ends.

However, this ... increased preparedness (is that an expression?) ... has not helped my anxiety. Because, there is an obnoxious voice in my head that says, 'What if you fail?'.

For me unemployment was not just the frustration of not finding a job, it was guilt (LOTS of guilt), a feeling of being unworthy, a feeling of isolation, and lead me to question everything I was doing with my life. Whoa, drama queen! I know. But, I'm being honest about how I felt.

I found it was kind of a taboo to talk about how much being unemployed effected me. It was totally cool to talk about looking for a job, but not really about the emotions of it. I suppose society understands it is a downer and doesn't really want to dwell on it. Well, I'm throwing my (public) pity party months late I guess. But I swear it is just to help me share with you all the reason behind my fear.

I suppose all the stress I'm feeling isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as I use it to spur myself into action. I need to channel this sheer terror of the past repeating itself into productivity. Little steps at a time. But my goal is (some sort of) progress every single day.

I've sent out my first resume today. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Any advice on how to effectively look for a job and/or find inner peace? I know you are a wise group of people. Thanks for listening to my neuroses.

~Claire Out.